Boys Don't Cry: A story of male suicide
*First published in The LINC Magazine, Winter 2005
It was a gorgeous sunny morning in August. As some of us had been away at Uni or busy with jobs, the old gang had hardly seen each other.
Recently though, bonded by the summer, we had all been getting back together. So there I was, stood at the bus stop wondering how soon we would all get to hang out again.Turns out it would be sooner than I thought.
A friend of mine rode past on a bus, as she did, she yelled out of the window.
"Have you heard about John?"
Sure, I had heard a lot about John. He was the life and soul of most parties. When we headed out to the local rock club on a Friday night, things were always more fun when he was there.
"No, what's he done now?" I naively asked. Then came the unexpected reply.
"He's dead."
And so there we were, the gang back together again, as the tears of laughter we had previously shared now became tears of grief, at the funeral of our friend. A friend who had lost his life to the biggest killer amongst young men in Britain, suicide.
Suicide makes up 20% of all deaths in men aged 15-24. Whilst this may not sound that high, when you consider that it claims the lives of 50 times more young men than AIDS and three times more than all class A drugs, it is obvious then that there is a problem.
But what is it? And why are so many young men taking their own lives?
Amongst the vast number of reasons, low self-esteem, depression, relationship problems, exam stress and drug & alcohol issues are often linked to suicide or suicidal tendencies, built up over a long period of time, rather than as a reaction to an isolated incident.
According to a report by ChildLine, of the 1,500 suicidal young people that phone them every year, 701 had, "Chronic, multiple problems, including abuse, neglect and low self-esteem, often accumulating throughout their lives."
Websites and support agencies offer lots of advice on signs to look out for: withdrawal, aggressiveness, the loss of a friend or relative, failure of, or anxiety towards exams and school-work, plus a host of others that could lead to this suicidal depression. However, on the surface, these issues are often far less than obvious.
Although those closest to him knew of John's troubles, to the rest of us, he was one of the brightest, liveliest lads you could ever hope to meet. According to the old saying, 'you don't know what you got 'till it's gone'.
In his case, this just was not true. Every time somebody mentioned his name it was accompanied by a huge smile because we knew we had somebody special amongst us, somebody who always seemed like the happiest lad on the planet.
Yet beneath this warm surface there was something troubling him. To be around him though, you would never have guessed it, never in a million years.
This is an all-too-common issue amongst young, suicidal males. According to ChildLine, "Of the 701 suicidal callers in the year analysed, 574 were girls and 126 boys. And although young women attempt suicide far more often than young men (four times as many), young men die as a result of suicide far more than young women."
Perhaps girls are not as serious about taking their own lives, or it could be that girls are simply far more comfortable when it comes to opening up and admitting they need help. Indeed, It is likely that the shocking number of male suicides is down to young men's refusal to open up to their peers, families, counsellors or other trusted people.
Though we live in an age of supposed equality, there is still stigma when it comes to males talking about their problems or feelings, as if it's not a masculine thing to do or something. The more these issues are kept bottled up, the more these feelings of depression and anxiety are likely to build. So if girls' ability to easily open up is saving their lives, then boys' reluctance to do so could be costing them theirs.
Similarly, it is all too easy to dismiss attempted suicides, self-harming or even simply coming forward and admitting depression, as a vain cry for attention.
"The commonly held view that suicide attempts are merely 'attention seeking' is dangerous," says ChildLine, "and there is no truth in the myth that those who talk about suicide don't do it. Many of the suicidal children who called ChildLine said that their distress was increased by their parents' or carers' apparent lack of concern."
Consider this: If somebody is 'crying out for attention', is that not a problem in itself? It is important that every suicide attempt, mention of depression or anything similar is taken seriously.
Often it can be difficult to open up to a friend, especially if you are a young man.
Yet if you are feeling depressed or suicidal, or you know somebody who you think might be, it is vital that you tell somebody. You may feel that it is hard to turn to a friend, but chances are that they will be more than willing to offer their support.
You may not want to confide in someone close, but that does not mean that there is nobody you can turn to. ChildLine councillors are available 24/7, 365 days a year to talk to. You can call them, confidentially on 0800 1111.
Alternatively, the 'Mental Health' section of LINC Online lists many services you can turn to for help and support.
Remember, depression, a medical condition, is a passing phase. Whether this lasts for two weeks, two months or two years, eventually you will get over it. By taking your own life, you may halt feelings of despair but they will eventually disappear anyway. When someone takes their own life, they leave a lifetime of heartache and anguish for those they love, and those who love them.
By Chris Skoyles